Liability lawyer’s group lists hazardous toys - Nov. 18, 2003

Do you remember the REAL Slinky with the sharp, piercing, fun-until-it-breaks-your-skin metal end? Or the big-ass steel Tonka trunks with the big-ass steel edges? Remember all the fun you had with the robots that could shoot plastic projectiles right into you eye? Now THOSE were toys that could really hurt you.

Listen, quit buying your kids shit with names like “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Electronic Michelangelo’s Nunchukus” (Deadly toy #9). Did you honestly think that a kid swinging ANYTHING around was a good idea? Especially an electronic anything? Here are the words that should sound warning bells for you, the parent. Mutant. Ninja. NUNCHUKUS. I like that the potential danger is “blunt impact”. Hmmm…is that what nunchukus do?

The toys of yester-year were great because they hid their deadly intention. Actually, the “Nickelodeon Gooze Soda Fountain” (Deadly Toy #5) is a good toy with a great deadly agenda. It’s a new spin on the Play-Doh Hamburger set or Pasta Maker. You can make tasty-LOOKING treats, but if you eat them, you’ll get multi-colored diarrhea.

I heard that from a friend. No, really. Fuck you.

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